Let me just start by saying.. This was not easy to write. It wasn’t easy to relive. It’s not something I talk about to people. It’s something I typically keep locked in a box deep inside me. But, I hope this helps someone feeling these feelings – whether our situation is the same or not, I’m sure you’ve felt similar to the way I’ve felt.

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Do you know the feeling you get when you get rid of a T-shirt that you used to wear all the time because it shrunk in the dryer. It’s definitely not a good feeling for three reasons:1.) you love it 2.) you’re going to miss it. 3.) we all know it didn’t really shrink in the dryer

This is kind of a jump but…do you catch yourself thinking those same thoughts about people you’ve cut out of your life, well…besides the dryer part? We’ve all cut somebody that we’ve deemd “toxic” out of our lives before.. Do you feel a constant tug of war inside of you?

I’m going to get really personal here – because mainly, I hope that this will bring me some peace.

My Dad.

If you know me well, you’ve probably picked up that he isn’t a big part of my life – in a positive way that is.. I’ll spare you the long backstory and just hit a few highlight moments.

Back when I was around 12 – I told Justin I didn’t feel like it was necessary to continue hurting myself by going to his house. You see he got me maybe twice a year – and I had to initiate it – I never felt wanted..which isn’t a good feeeling when you’re 12 years old.. Things were ugly – but ultimately I got my wish.

Fast forward to my 16th birthday there were some words exchaned the night before – which resulted in me ringing in the chime of my 16th birthday – a pretty important one to any girl – laying in bed sobbing uncontrollably in my mom’s arms…I still have those messages – i stilll cry every time I read them. I swore to myself that night that I would never let you hurt me again…I was wrong.

Flash forward to my high school graduation – a big day! I had battled back and forth on whether I should invite you or not – I wanted to but I didn’t… mainly because I didn’t want another important day to be ruined when you didn’t show up – but I didn’t trust my gut – I sent the invitiation. Now, when I think about my graduation I think of looking out and not seeing your face in the crowd.I told myself – that’s the last straw never again…I was wrong…again..

April 1st, 2018 I got engaged one of the happiest moments of my life I posted it on facebook, your wife, Rebecca reached out – her and I have stayed in contact a little here and a little there over the years. We set up dinner, no matter how many times you have hurt me – I wanted you to meet my soon to be husband. We met at texas roadhouse. it was AWKWARD – but I tried, I visited with you a little…but you – you sat on your phone almost the entire dinner. You barely spoke to me. You ate your prime rib – paid – and got the hell out of there. Believe it or not, I was not hurt that night. I figured yeah, it was awkward – but I finally built up a wall of protection when it came to you – honestly ,I was just relieved that you had even showed up…in my eyes it was a step in the right direction.

January 12, 2019 – so far the best day of my entire life – my wedding. I invited you – not because I had to but because a part of me has always hoped that we would one day rekindle our relationship and if we did, I knew I would regret not having invited you. But once again – you weren’t there. This one cut deep – this is MY DAY. You didn’t even call or text me – you used the excuse of traffic – Rebecca told me that y’all would’ve been 20 minutes late if you would’ve stayed on the road – I feel like this is just an excuse because you would’ve texted if you were running behind – or if you had to turn around. How do I know that? Because traffic slowed y’all down at roadhouse – and you texted me. Even if this isn’t an excuse if it’s the truth – what would 20 minutes have hurt? What wedding is over in twenty minutes?? My heart was broken on my wedding day. To this day I think back on my wedding and all of the people that were there…and I remember…you weren’t, my brothers weren’t, part of my family was not there.

You know after all the pain that you’ve caused me: taking my brothers out of my life, giving up on me, breaking my heart over and over…I’m still very appreciative of you. You taught me how strong I am, you taught me that when I look out at a crowd and don’t see you that I’ll survive, you gave me a reason to cling onto the men in my life who did support me, you helped me find my husband – how? I learned red flags, I learned what I didn’t want the father of my children to be like – because of you – I found Dustin.

After all of this, I still want a realtionship with you and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. Maybe because I know that your selfishness has caused me to miss out on life with my grandparents over there and I don’t want my kids to feel that void. Or maybe because I want my children to know their uncles, my brothers. Maybe it’s just because the AMAZING people that raised me taught me that we make mistakes, pride and ego don’t matter. Family is family – that is something that is rooted deep in me.

I hash it out in my head all the time – and I am always reminded of my relationship with God – no matter how many times I have hurt him, no matter how many times I have abandoned him, no matter what I do he is there for me – with open arms, welcoming me back to in to his kingdom.

I am trying to live my life more christ-like than I have in the past. I believe we’ve both made some mistakes… I guess what I’m boling down to is: If Christ can extend Grace to me, then I can extend grace to you.

Lord, help us to extend grace to those who have hurt us. Help us to remember that we’re all sinners and that you forgive us . Remind us to do unto others like we want you to do unto us.

|• Get rid of all the bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgive each other just as in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32 •|